During the blissful, mid-pregnancy, yay-we’re-having-a-baby months, my wife and I would take a few peeks into Baby Gap or any other baby clothing store, hand-in-hand, and look at all the cute little outfits that could adorn our little bundle of joy. We even indulged on one occasion to buy matching “I love daddy” and “I love mommy” outfits. Then of course came the tremendous amount of clothing gifts from the baby shower as well as all the little onesies, t-shirts, and pants that showed up by the bag-full as no one came to meet our little guy for the first time empty-handed. I remember thinking to myself that there was no possible way Ted would ever get to wear all of these clothes. Surely he would outgrow them all before having a chance to wear some of them even once. Oh, how naïve I was.

Ted, and I’m sure most all babies, occasionally often have wardrobe malfunctions. Now, I’m not talking about something like the infamous Janet Jackson Super Bowl halftime nip-slip. I’m talking about rendering the clothes he’s wearing completely unwearable, usually mere moments after having put them on him. Let’s take Sunday morning as an example:

Change #1

The first clothing change of the morning was the obvious one, besides the fact that the chest and shoulders were more than just damp from drool. Out of the one-piece footed pajamas and into some sort of cute outfit he’ll spend the day in. Yeah, right. You’d think I’d know by now that there’s no chance he’ll end the day in the same clothes he started in.

Change #2

Our second clothing change of the morning was due to a rather conspicuous circle of wetness centered around his waistband. Here we learn the importance of PPP (Proper Penis Pointing). One of Ted’s parents – who shall remain nameless but was not me – failed to point the puny pecker south before the diaper went on. Without proper placement, pee can shoot right up the front of the diaper and soil anything in the vicinity of his midsection. Onesie and pants tossed into the hamper, and we’re on to outfit number 2.

Change #3

We made it to Bob’s Coffee Shop for breakfast in these new clothes, but they didn’t last long. It would appear that the infant carrier / carseat positions a baby’s bum at the perfect angle for squeezing poop up the back. Although this one may be on dad as I might not have secured the diaper quite tight enough. A lovely mustard-colored wet circle on his back is discovered when we get home, and we’re off to get changed again.

Three outfits all before lunch and then he was good for the rest of the day. I think. If anything, I’ve certainly learned to look at those cute outfits in the stores with a more discriminating eye. Who in their right mind would buy any baby clothes in white?