Don’t act surprised. TheDailyTed has always revolved around potty humor. But poop, specifically Ted’s poop, has become a way too often subject of conversation between his parents. I never thought I would talk about human excrement quite so much. It’s pretty much a daily conversation, or the DPR as I like to call it. That’s Daily Poop Report. I feel we might be a tad obsessed with Ted’s bowels, but it seems to be an easy way to gauge his overall health. Ya know, because being happy, playful, and talkative gives us no indication as to how he’s feeling, we feel the need to examine what comes out of his bottom.

The DPR, as presented by the parent who most recently changed a #2 diaper, contains all the vital information:

• Quantity – wet fart, nugget, small load, big load, diaper buster
• Color –  mustard, pea soup, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, rainbow
• Consistency – cottage cheese, ricotta, brie, nutty cheese log
• Scent – not good, pretty bad, don’t-know-because-I-held-my-breath-the-whole-time

And while we’re on the subject, I have a bone to pick with the postpartum nurses at the hospital where Ted was born. They told us all about the strange, black, tar-like poop to expect the first few days, and then they told us what the typical breast-fed baby poop would be like, but they very conveniently neglected to mention what happens once the kid starts eating solid food. Is 10 months too soon to start potty training?